Whenever my husband SPEAKS, he always has something to say, that I REALLY need to hear. It makes me mad, then it makes me better.

In the short time we’ve been married, I’ve learned that spouses are like mirrors. The magnifying ones, with the bomb lighting – or whatever Lizzo said. Sometimes you’re like “damnnnnn Gina” and other times you’re like….ewww!, when you see your reflection. Tonight, I was torn between the two.

He was struggling with my ability to so easily cut people out of my life. His mirror said that I get diminished quickly and I’m rigid and no nonsense and don’t value people who are less than perfect. His mirror was right in some aspects. I wanted to be defensive but he was kind of right. So I turned inward to figure out what was wrong with me. Here’s what I came out with.

Nothing! At least not in this instance. I’m just really really different from any of his experiences. He thought that my black and white personality caused a shortcoming in my capacity to retain relationships.

Communication…where the magic happens.

I explained to him that it’s just the opposite! It’s that personality muscle – torn and rebuilt by experience that makes me capable of loving and giving fully and freely to my relationships.

My tank (think wine barrel for visual and measurements) is rarely empty. That’s because I steward (rigidly and no nonsensically) who has access and HOW MUCH access. After living a little while, I can tell within minutes how much access someone gets. Nonetheless, I sometimes extend trial periods. Notice: I extend the period not the level of access. It is almost never worth it.

These days I have a million things going on and there’s only one of me, so I have to prioritize very carefully for the things that matter. Above all, I belong to God, then Nelson and then my children. Then I belong to my tribe. All of these people have tanks that I drink from and that I also refill. So to be mindful of my tank is to be mindful of theirs.

So yes, I can easily cut people off. Not because I don’t love them. Not because they’re not perfect (I am farrrrr, so far, from the mark at multiple points, every single day). I cut them off because they abuse my tank which affects everyone who draws from it and gives to it.

Fair weather people, exceptionally negative people (not just through a season – like could ruin Christmas and a kids first Birthday negative), takers, hateful people, etc. I just don’t have the time.

See, if I gave them access to my well, they’d drain it. Then everyone else would have the responsibility to refill it – without me having anything, ever, to give back to them. If I allow them to stay, I now tap those not responsible to replenish my resources, constantly. I then become the tank drainer. This is an unhealthy way to live for me. So when I meet people and I get the sense that they may fall into this category, they only receive very limited access to my well. That way, if they drain their corner- I can still recover quickly, without calling in the National Guard, creating an emotional GoFundMe or burn out.

Those that matter the most and have full access to that tank are as imperfect as me but they are invested…. in our relationship, in my health and wealth, in maintaining the relationship. They are all in. As am I. The scales are rarely ever 50/50 but they teeter in BOTH directions. Sometimes I’m doing ten and they’re doing ninety…because, life. You better believe, though, that when they are doing ten…I’m in (cute) rain boots on the ground, intentionally and cheerfully doing ninety. I’m pouring heavy.

If I let those that drain, have the access to do so, I wouldn’t have anything to pour into my relationship with the Lord, my husband, my children or my tribe. That’s not an option. I want to pour heavy.

They are my priority. My mental health and wellness is too. Stress kills. In the end, it will be these people that I’d go empty for any day because they are my people…but they’d never let me get empty. Vice versa. I protect my access for myself and for them…and of skills gained from lessons learned, this is one I appreciate most.

Here’s to always pouring heavy for the ones that mean the most.💙

XO